Posts tagged ‘zombie’

October 27, 2011

What Weapon Would You Choose For A Zombie Uprising?

Jimmy Paperboy

Life Sucks.  There are countless things to worry about.  How am I going to eat?  What do I want to do as a career?  If the toilet paper doesn’t have anything on it, should I quit wiping?  These are problems that we all face everyday, and we at some point must address them.  But, if a zombie outbreak happened we wouldn’t have to.  What’s that you say?  You say that we still must fight for our lives, and that only exacerbates the problems that humans have?  Well I don’t wanna be human.  That’s right. As soon as word of an outbreak happened I would lie down in the middle of the street like a virgin sacrifice and just let them go at me.  That is assuming that I would be turned into a zombie instead of suffering a horrible death for nothing.  The life of a zombie is much more appealing than that of a rat human trying to cling on to what they call “life.”  As a zombie you have one thing to worry about.  BRAAAINNNS.  There are no societal norms for zombies, no competition, and absolutely nothing is expected from you by your zombie brethren.  I could have my entrails dragging the ground and an eye out of socket and I would be on the same social strata as a zombified Barak Obama.  So, as a zombie what would be my optimal weapon?  A zombie’s most important part of him would be his teeth.  A zombie can have no appendages, as long as he can roll around as a torso and try to latch on to pinky human flesh.  Since teeth are the most important part of the zombie anatomy I would have vampire teeth installed.  I am not talking about those plastic ones that you wear for Halloween that are too small and make your gums bleed.  I would get Bond Villain quality metal ones.  Since complex things such as surgery would not be able to be performed by zombies, I would have to get my teeth prior to turning.  I would still be human with the metal vampire teeth, so in order to not get confused with the Twilight or True Blood crowd I would have to get my teeth UPON word of the outbreak.  Feeding for a zombie is a weakness.  When zombies are innocently catching a bite to eat, humans are always trying to put a bullet or a blunt object to their head.  Although the stationary feast is a great pleasure for a zombie, it leaves them open and makes them vulnerable.  With metal vampire teeth I would no longer have to sit there and hopelessly grind human flesh with those dull default teeth.  I would now be able to make a clean bite, walk away, and saunter on to a place that is less populated with those murderous humans.


Even though my friend Jimmy Paperboy thinks he is the alpha male when it comes to surviving a zombie apocalypse, I know for a fact that I could outlast his pussy ass any day.  Jimmy would most likely spend his last days using Rufilin™ as his primary defense and taking advantage of some innocent zombos while Bill Murray jacks off in the corner.  All of the meanwhile I will be cruising around in my black station wagon with a white number 3 painted on the sides in remembrance of the late Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson).  To pick a weapon to fend off those little bastard zombies, I would use a P90 not only because Mortar and Pistol is obsessed with it, but also because of its lethalness and ammo capacity.  While most guns may get the job done when it comes to blowing off some heads, the rate of fire in the P90 would make a zombie look like it got stuffed into my Vitamax 2 horsepower blender.  Furthermore, if any zombies turn out to be the flack jacket or the heavy armory type, (which trust me, they are from time to time) the P90 would not be hindered by these little annoyances due to its armor piercing capabilities.

I googled P90 and this came yeah


All too often I find myself minding my own business when out of nowhere someone comes knocking on the door.  Maybe its a girl scout, a dejected man selling magazines, my landlord, or the police asking about where I was the other night when I totally wasn’t drinking lighter fluid and firing live rounds at the moon.  These may be minor inconveniences anyone can expect from living in polite society, but in every man’s life there comes a time when the knocking at the door is caused by a zombie uprising.  I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t consider a game of Russian Roulette with a hand grenade, but I’m no longer a young man without a care in the world.  No, I have responsibilities including a dog and some friends that never call.  And thus I must survive.  The perfect zombie weapon for me?  Well, the AK-47 of course.  Its durable and won’t get clogged up by drying blood, and it makes for great Facebook pictures to pose with one while throwing a peace sign.  See, these zombies aren’t simply undead masses out looking for their next meal.  They’re undead rude masses ruining my evening by bothering me and everyone I know.  The AK is terribly inaccurate, which works well for crowd dispersal and adrenaline-fueled behind-the-back run and gun scenarios.  Its loud, which lets the zombies know where I am and just how many fucks I don’t give.  And its heavy, which makes for a great melee weapon after I inevitably run out of bullets and have to resort to beating them, moments before I succumb.  We all too often see folks choose baseball bats and golf clubs to fight the hoard, but in my opinion sports are too much work, and I don’t want to exercise while fending off crowd after crowd of people that even the cemetery couldn’t keep.  Sure, they’ll eventually get my brains.  I don’t have much endurance and I lose interest quickly, and sooner or later I’ll give in out of sheer laziness.  But while I’ve still got some fight in me, nothing beats popping off a few rounds from my Soviet sidekick to (if nothing else) inconvenience the wave of zombies from getting their food like a rude hostess at the local Chilis.



Imagine this, a glowing orange sun rises over the evergreen’s on a cool fall morning. You step outside and stretch you arms with a loud boisterous yawn, your breath steaming on the southern air. In the distance you hear sirens and see wisps of flowing smoke dancing into the pale blue sky. You take notice but give it nothing more than a bout of curiosity in your mind and then you notice your neighbor limping around in their front yard seemingly mumbling or growling; you can’t be certain. You cock you head in a gesture of confusion, “what exactly are they up too?” you ask your self- rhetorically of course. Then they see you, and you notice that’s not dirt on their morning gown, its blood. They begin to shuffle your way with a beguiling intensity, it’s not fast but it is certainly an attempt to get to you quick. It dawns on you in a second of horror and realization…your neighbor is a zombie and you forgot to return their gosh danged hedge trimmers.
In any Zombie apocalypse the key to survival is a trusty weapon and a motley crew consisting of at least one older/ wizened character, one female, a tough black guy, and a good looking heroic white guy. While I won’t break down who would be the best motley crew (older/ wizened character = Gandolph, female = Sarah Palin, Tough black guy = Michael Vick, and heroic white guy = ), or I will- whatever. I will tell you this for certain, a 12 gauge shotgun is the must have weapon for survival. “Why nots an AK dawg so u can rape those flesh eater’s like their noobz,” you ask? Well for one I have a college degree, and two I realize a little known fact which I will share with you; the AK-47 (or any assault weapon for that matter) is not going to have ammo just lying around for you to pillage like it’s an RPG with gold hidden in barrels. It’s the real world mother trucker, and you better get serious. Honestly, I mean if you need a gun for a zombie apocalypse, you need to be able to waltz right into any Walmart and load up on the boom booms like you’re Jeff Foxworthy. This is not to mention all the old timer houses you’ll come upon where once you’ve taken out the creepy geezer zombies, will be stocked full of goodies (among them a plethora of shotgun ammo). So get that shotgun, boy head, and send the dead to rest with holes in their chest.

Where them zombers at?

September 21, 2011

Dead Island Review

I was at the beach with my cousin and his family about seven years ago.  We had just finished playing poker, and got off on a hypothetical run awry.  The topic was what we would do if a hurricane wiped out all connections to the island we were on, and everyone there was forced into a survival type situation.  It was one of the most entertaining hypotheticals we’d ever engaged in, and Dead Island, to an extent, helps one to visualize just such a scenario.  A number of things stand out about this game (which I admittedly have not finished yet).  First, there is a pretty damn good rap song at the beginning of the song.  Its great to hear a game with original musical content.  You stumble into a club while the song plays, drinking from a bottle of Jack while shoving dancers away from you.  A zombie attacks during the blur, then you wake up in an abandoned hotel.  That is all the introduction you get to the outbreak.  You have to walk through the darkened halls of the hotel while a siren blares.  It sets a wonderful atmosphere of tension and fear.  You can loot the many suitcases littering the halls, and this was my first indication as to what type of gameplay this will be.  It turns out my assumptions are correct, and this game is extremely fetch-quest based.  It also grabs another zombie-game stereotype, that of being insanely difficult.

As opposed to a game like Dead Rising, these zombies pose really difficult individual battles and when your up against a group it can be suffocating.  Many games put the difficulty in the overwhelming number of zombies you have to fight, but here things are spaced out a bit more, but with more strength per zombie.  Then there are more diverse zombies like thugs, which are taller and of course more maddening to kill.  Its easy to compare this game with other zombie games, and there is no lack of zombie games on the market.  Other than Nazi Zombies, which I don’t consider cannon in the zombie genre, I’m most familiar with Dead Rising, and so will use it as a comparison.  An improvement over Dead Rising is that when you die the game doesn’t take you back to the last save, but instead borrows a Borderlands style where when you die, you lose some money but not some progress.

So far the story is fairly typical.  There are safe houses scattered around the map, and you basically run errands for them, like getting food and medicine, in exchange for money and XP.  Of course there are more involved missions that help progress the story along, and in turn open up more of the map, but I won’t spoil any of the story here.  You also get trophy progress directly in your HUD which is nice when trying to figure out how many more miles or kills you lack for the next trohpy.

I just keep yelling "Get up out my face" like it will help

The game isn’t anything groundbreaking or new.  Hell, its pretty much the antithesis of originality.  The zombie genre has been done to death in recent years, but that doesn’t prevent Dead Island from having compelling gameplay.  It certainly does try its hardest to be immersive, including a sprint system with heavy breathing which can be rather realistic when running from zombies in the rain, dodging in and out of wrecked vehicles and rotting corpses.  Being attacked while swinging a cleaver wildly in a small bunker can be a frantic and claustrophobic experience, and certainly gives one that sense of actually being trapped on an island during a zombie uprising.  Moreover, this game has what I’ve always asked for in any first-person based game.  When you look down, you can see your feet!

The graphics are pretty great and the water looks incredible.  The blood, especially when strewn about in liberal amounts, gives off a terrifying vibe.  The gore and the horror are so well done in this game that its easy to overlook some of the other, less refined aspects, such as weapon degradation that, in my opinion, occurs too rapidly, and the extreme difficulty curve.  (On another note, its now reported that in Skyrim, weapons will not degrade, which is amazing in this writer’s opinion.)  But lets compare this game to my previous favorite zombie game, Dead Rising.  Take a look at Dead Rising’s gore from some image I found online:

And compare it to this picture of Dead Island I just took on my phone:

This game has taken the zombie genre, which can sometimes wander into the comical, and transformed it into a terrifying bloodbath.  And judging it by that standard, which is the only standard any zombie consumer can use reliably, this game has greatly succeeded.  I really do enjoy playing it, but for some reason its lending itself to more of a game where I play in spurts, not in binges.  Maybe I’ve played too many games like this recently, where you fetch someone’s lost bracelet for XP and grind it out for better weapons.  Maybe I’m just oversaturated with zombies.  But one thing’s for certain, its a hell of a lot of fun, and that’s all I’m really asking for in the end.