Posts tagged ‘pokemon’

March 27, 2012

Red (and Blue) Dawn – A Pokemon Conspiracy

I’m not one to believe in conspiracy theories.  I mean sure, I believe Courtney Love killed Kurt Cobain, but when it comes to moon landings, JFK, and all manner of other nefarious plots, I always believed what I was told.  I was happy, quiet, complacent, and most importantly of all, I was blind.  I was a sheep.  Wake up every morning, go to

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January 28, 2012

PokeFans: Part I

Jimmy Paperboy goes in depth to catalog the different types of Pokemon fans in this first installment of his PokeFan series:

By Jimmy Paperboy

The PokeChild

The first is the small prepubescent child with a voice so shrill that it makes you run like a Tauros at the Safari Zone.  You can guarantee that his DS is covered with Cheeto powder and the buttons always stick from the mucus that comes out of his constantly running nose. 

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October 4, 2011

What was your favorite Pokemon?

We asked our four contributors, who all came of age in the 90’s, who their all time favorite pokemon was and why, and here are the results:

Jimmy Paperboy

My favorite Pokemon is the product of regal imbreeding.  After trading your Slowpoke with a King’s Rock and discarding the 9 stillborns it took to get it, you would end up with a Slowking.  The reason why I have such an affinity towards this Pokemon is quite simple really.  It was middle school, and I had leveled my team to 100 and caught all the pokemon in the Blue version of the game, so I went to the internet to see what else there was to accomplish.  It was rumored that if you went through all this hoopla relating to Bill’s house you could eventually end up with a Slowking.  At the time Slowking was in the cartoon, so I thought it was plausible he could be hidden somewhere in the game.   I regret to inform you the internet was lying, and all that ended up showing up were some wilted Bellsprouts.  Soon the Gold and Silver versions of the game came to the US and low and behold Slowking was to be featured in it.  The fact that I wasn’t able to get him in the Blue version propelled him to this unattainable status in my mind, which caused me to falsely place him on the same pedestal with event pokemon like Mew and Celbi.  To this day I can’t manage to correct myself.


I honestly cannot tell you why I love Gengar, but I loooove Gengar. Since the beginning I always thought he was one of the coolest pokemon ever created. My infatuation may be in part because his types are ghost and poison. I mean c’mon, a poison ghost just sounds wicked. Moreover, his personality has always appealed to me. The mischievous grin just can’t say enough. Bulbapedia (which any avid Pokemon fan knows of) describes his personality like so, “Gengar are very mischievous, and at some times, malicious. They enjoy playing practical jokes, such as pretending to be one’s shadow, then behaving erratically. When the quarry notices, the Gengar takes delight in its victim’s terror.” If that doesn’t scream better than Pikachu, I don’t know what else does. Since Pokemon first began I have always had a Gengar, and since they started letting us nickname them, mine has always been aptly named Vlad. Thus, Vlad the Gengar lives in my heart eternal.
In the words of Kanye West, “Yo Charizard imma’ let you finish, but Gengar is the best pokemon of all time!”

As the cool kid in middle and high school all of my peers considered me a trendsetter.  One such trend I tried to start didn’t exactly go so well.  It ostracized me, and sent me into great turmoil forcing me to hang out with the trench coats in the lunchroom.  Even though Pokémon started my demise in life, I embraced it as being my only friend and have made a special place for it in my heart.  Within Pokémon, there was one particular Pokémon that really gave me an erection – Machamp.  In the Gameboy game, I always built Machamp into my anchor for my starting six.  In the card game, he was the only holographic card I slept with at night.  The main reason I loved him was due to the fact that my parents didn’t approve of my brother and I wasting our money on Pokémon cards, so the chances to improve our collection were few and far between.  The fact that it only took two cards to get to the highest evolvement, and not three, helped me achieve the elite status of being a badass.  Even though Machamp isn’t necessarily an amazing card to have and pretty common, he was my best in my collection, therefore my favorite.  Part of Machamp’s appeal to me was that even if I couldn’t do much with him, since his only move was Seismic Toss, no matter who I was facing they would lose 10 damage whenever attacking me.  This always made me a winner even though I always lost.


With every pokemon game I had, I usually had four main guys and a few alternates, and eventually they would all reach level 100.  But one day I was fishing and alas, I caught a piece of coral.  This was no ordinary coral either, it was a smart mouthed talking pink coral.  I looked at it, gazing into its eyes;  it looked at me, speaking Japanese.  It was curiosity at first sight.  So I thought hey, why not make this thing a level 100?  No one uses the Corsola, right?  Well, I soon found out why, and that’s because Corsola sucked.  He just sucked hard.  So hard in fact, that I’m pretty sure he used XP Share until around level 99, and even then he could barely win fights.  But though there were much, much cooler pokemon out there, and I liked hundreds of types of pokemon better, I had to drag this little guy through the Elite Four so many times that he started to grow on me, just like he would grow atop discarded tires in the ocean.  He was not only a pain in the ass, but he was my pain in the ass.  And as bulbapedia states, “Corsola usually show a cheerful determination and are prepared to do the best that they can.”  Uggggh.  There is probably not a more lame pokemon out there, and I had a level 100 one.  Years later I would lay him out in the sun until he died and was properly bleached, and then I think he was sold in a garage sale.