Tales from “The Island”

I was in 8th grade at the time, a magical age where I combed my hair over to the right every morning and still clearly recalled a time when Pizza Lunchables could get you full.  Stick Stickly’s career was at it’s peak on Nickelodeon and we all believed, as a nation, that he could go on to do bigger and better things.  After school I would get in the car with my dad to continue my training to be a killer at the karate store behind the movie theater.  My sensei was very proud of his young warrior, and I was learning my front kicks quite quickly.  My hard-earned yellow belt even had a stripe on it, and I could easily beat the stupider kids in kata practice.  I had everything going for me and I had life figured out.  So one day after my grueling training of kicking the air and buying over-priced nunchucks, I headed over to the middle school gym to watch my brother play basketball.  I was in my gi because the ladies loved it.  I brought my nunchucks too.

But this was a special occasion.  My younger, dumber, asthmatic cousin Jimmy Paperboy was there with me.  He knew this day would be special.  I had something to show him.  And just like a mercenary pulls a well-concealed weapon from his suit jacket, I revealed from under my gi my newest treasure, Lego Island.  I had just purchased October of 1997’s top-10 selling PC video game of all time.  He couldn’t believe it and neither could I; hell, no one could believe it.  I think my brother’s coach was even stunned.  For a moment time and space stood still.  I had finally found my life completed.  My nunchucks clattered to the ground.  It was time to Lego out.

ALL my favorite games are CD-ROM games.

We scurried home like the cooler kids do when their dad buys beer, pushed through the door and got ready to double click autorun.exe.  Jimmy even exclaimed “Lets go!”, a clever play on words indicating that he was ready to go, to go play Lego.  I was impressed with his tenacity and gave him a pat on the head.  He grinned and might have even blinked.  Installation was later completed,  flawlessly, and we got to it.  As Pepper Brickolini once said, “Way cool” and he couldn’t have been more right.  He also stated that he was “the dude with the food” but that might be irrelevant to the story.  Anyway, we feasted our eyes on this.  It…it was so realistic.  It was just so incredible.

You first had to start out in the Information Center, a sprawling complex owned by none other than the Infomaniac.  But just as in Lego Island’s sister game, Skyrim, I wanted to leave the dungeon as soon as possible and get out to exploring the vast wilderness that lay before me.  I chose Pepper and set to delivering pizzas to my town.  It was great.  You could go anywhere you wanted to, a feature I had never seen before in a game, and there was so much to interact with.  It was all fun and games for a bit, but disaster soon happened.  No, I didn’t delete System 32, and no Jimmy didn’t unplug the computer like an idiot.  It was worse than that.  I was called to deliver a pizza to none other than the infamous The Brickster, a convicted felon residing in the island’s only jail.  I had assumed that the correctional facility handled all the food for inmates, but I wasn’t versed well enough in the mundane mechanics of our criminal justice system at that time, so I decided to hop on my skateboard and take him his pie.  Big fucking mistake.  The Brickster tricked me and, using the fumes from that spicy pizza, melted the locks!  That “trickster” Brickster then proceeded to hijack a helicopter, a serious offence in 1997, and took off destroying the island, brick by brick.

This asshole.

I was absolutely devastated.  I had, in essence, allowed a dangerous felon back out onto the streets.  My head hanging low, Jimmy’s lower, I shouted for my mom and dad to come into the room.  I calmly but nervously recounted my story and told them what happened as The Brickster continued his crime spree on the screen before us.  My dad pinched the upper part of his nose, closed his eyes, and muttered something about how at least his other son played basketball.  My mother just walked away.  I could tell they were furious and disappointed in me.  For at this time, I was no better than The Brickster himself.  I felt a darkness well up inside of me.  I gripped my nunchucks tight.  I had to turn myself in.

The halls of justice.

But just as I was about to relinquish my freedom, I thought for a second that I might be able to stop him myself.  I could turn my eternal shame into a brief moment of heroism.  It might not absolve me of my sins, but it could very well mitigate my inevitable sentence.  And so me and Jimmy battled The Brickster all night, chasing him throughout the town, collecting the bricks he so callously discarded.  As the sun came up, we had captured him and returned him to the jail.  We were heroes to be sure, but there was still work to be done.  We had only glimpsed into this mad world that is Lego Island.  We had cars to race, skateboards to race, ambulances to race, and even helicopters to race.  We were thrilled with the diversity the game had to offer.  It looked like my sensei would be checking me absent that evening…


8 Comments to “Tales from “The Island””

  1. This is hilarious!!! I can not stop laughing!

  2. I (True Story) had Lego Creator, and spent hours upon hours creating things in that game. One of my pride and joys was a pyramid nightclub i made with everything down to security cameras, neon lights, and a red carpet. It prob took me two days to make- but it was awesome!

  3. The parrot was the true mischief maker in that game.

  4. Amazingly enough, I have never gotten a lego game :(. I was thinking of getting the Harry Potter one just because it looked so freakin cool :D. Now I see how fun it is, lol

  5. Lol! You actually made me laugh!

  6. Brilliant article! I just noticed your site and will definitely become a ordinary lurker now. Keep up the awesome work.

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