PokeFans: Part I

Jimmy Paperboy goes in depth to catalog the different types of Pokemon fans in this first installment of his PokeFan series:

By Jimmy Paperboy

The PokeChild

The first is the small prepubescent child with a voice so shrill that it makes you run like a Tauros at the Safari Zone.  You can guarantee that his DS is covered with Cheeto powder and the buttons always stick from the mucus that comes out of his constantly running nose.  Contact with this fan is rare, but it is easily noticed when you come across one.  One environment that you will spot him in is in the gift shop at Cracker Barrel.  His parents have decided that little Travis needed to get out and spend some time with the family, so he is released to the old country feeling of the Barrel.  He is usually seen wandering through the gift shop yipping and yelling at the screen of his DS as he bumbles unapologetically into strangers while simultaneously shaking a “Wooly Willy.”

"Mom, take me to the Chinese restaurant. That's where all the other challengers are!"

The “I played when you could only catch 150”

The second type of fan is the overgrown man-child with clothing made of thin material that clings to his soft, pasty skin.  He has no shame as he walks proudly through the mall displaying his “Mew begat Mewtwo” shirt while flashing the peace sign upon greeting the other patrons of the Game/Card shop.  As with the child, sightings are rare because he spends most of his day frequenting forums and posting family trees of the pokemon that he breeds.  His diet is mostly made up of Pepsi and gummi bears which he wittily calls “rare candies.” His den is littered with kitty litter where he relieves himself, saving him the convenience of having to travel the 10 feet to his bathroom.

There's a Snorlax blocking the path!

The “Think of me as a friend”

This fan will often travel with the child.  He is the dad that has bought a DS for the dual purpose of trying to bond with his offspring, while at the same time hide from the realization that he has made no meaningful contribution to society in his life.  You can almost guarantee that his playclock reads 30 minutes and in his inventory has amassed a nuclear holocaust amount of antidotes.  He is devoid of Pokemon because in an attempt to teach his yellow toothed son a life lesson in animal rights, he released them all.  It is no surprise this fan has lost his mate because of her justifiable infidelity.

Don't tell your mom I traded you a Zapdos for a Goldeen.

Jimmy Paperboy


3 Comments to “PokeFans: Part I”

  1. Gengar totally owns all of the above.

  2. This is sooooooooo funny. I can’t wait for future installments!!!

  3. Attractive section of content. I just stumbled upon your weblog and in accession capital to assert that I get actually enjoyed account your blog posts.
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