What Weapon Would You Choose For A Zombie Uprising?

Jimmy Paperboy

Life Sucks.  There are countless things to worry about.  How am I going to eat?  What do I want to do as a career?  If the toilet paper doesn’t have anything on it, should I quit wiping?  These are problems that we all face everyday, and we at some point must address them.  But, if a zombie outbreak happened we wouldn’t have to.  What’s that you say?  You say that we still must fight for our lives, and that only exacerbates the problems that humans have?  Well I don’t wanna be human.  That’s right. As soon as word of an outbreak happened I would lie down in the middle of the street like a virgin sacrifice and just let them go at me.  That is assuming that I would be turned into a zombie instead of suffering a horrible death for nothing.  The life of a zombie is much more appealing than that of a rat human trying to cling on to what they call “life.”  As a zombie you have one thing to worry about.  BRAAAINNNS.  There are no societal norms for zombies, no competition, and absolutely nothing is expected from you by your zombie brethren.  I could have my entrails dragging the ground and an eye out of socket and I would be on the same social strata as a zombified Barak Obama.  So, as a zombie what would be my optimal weapon?  A zombie’s most important part of him would be his teeth.  A zombie can have no appendages, as long as he can roll around as a torso and try to latch on to pinky human flesh.  Since teeth are the most important part of the zombie anatomy I would have vampire teeth installed.  I am not talking about those plastic ones that you wear for Halloween that are too small and make your gums bleed.  I would get Bond Villain quality metal ones.  Since complex things such as surgery would not be able to be performed by zombies, I would have to get my teeth prior to turning.  I would still be human with the metal vampire teeth, so in order to not get confused with the Twilight or True Blood crowd I would have to get my teeth UPON word of the outbreak.  Feeding for a zombie is a weakness.  When zombies are innocently catching a bite to eat, humans are always trying to put a bullet or a blunt object to their head.  Although the stationary feast is a great pleasure for a zombie, it leaves them open and makes them vulnerable.  With metal vampire teeth I would no longer have to sit there and hopelessly grind human flesh with those dull default teeth.  I would now be able to make a clean bite, walk away, and saunter on to a place that is less populated with those murderous humans.


Even though my friend Jimmy Paperboy thinks he is the alpha male when it comes to surviving a zombie apocalypse, I know for a fact that I could outlast his pussy ass any day.  Jimmy would most likely spend his last days using Rufilin™ as his primary defense and taking advantage of some innocent zombos while Bill Murray jacks off in the corner.  All of the meanwhile I will be cruising around in my black station wagon with a white number 3 painted on the sides in remembrance of the late Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson).  To pick a weapon to fend off those little bastard zombies, I would use a P90 not only because Mortar and Pistol is obsessed with it, but also because of its lethalness and ammo capacity.  While most guns may get the job done when it comes to blowing off some heads, the rate of fire in the P90 would make a zombie look like it got stuffed into my Vitamax 2 horsepower blender.  Furthermore, if any zombies turn out to be the flack jacket or the heavy armory type, (which trust me, they are from time to time) the P90 would not be hindered by these little annoyances due to its armor piercing capabilities.

I googled P90 and this came up...so yeah


All too often I find myself minding my own business when out of nowhere someone comes knocking on the door.  Maybe its a girl scout, a dejected man selling magazines, my landlord, or the police asking about where I was the other night when I totally wasn’t drinking lighter fluid and firing live rounds at the moon.  These may be minor inconveniences anyone can expect from living in polite society, but in every man’s life there comes a time when the knocking at the door is caused by a zombie uprising.  I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t consider a game of Russian Roulette with a hand grenade, but I’m no longer a young man without a care in the world.  No, I have responsibilities including a dog and some friends that never call.  And thus I must survive.  The perfect zombie weapon for me?  Well, the AK-47 of course.  Its durable and won’t get clogged up by drying blood, and it makes for great Facebook pictures to pose with one while throwing a peace sign.  See, these zombies aren’t simply undead masses out looking for their next meal.  They’re undead rude masses ruining my evening by bothering me and everyone I know.  The AK is terribly inaccurate, which works well for crowd dispersal and adrenaline-fueled behind-the-back run and gun scenarios.  Its loud, which lets the zombies know where I am and just how many fucks I don’t give.  And its heavy, which makes for a great melee weapon after I inevitably run out of bullets and have to resort to beating them, moments before I succumb.  We all too often see folks choose baseball bats and golf clubs to fight the hoard, but in my opinion sports are too much work, and I don’t want to exercise while fending off crowd after crowd of people that even the cemetery couldn’t keep.  Sure, they’ll eventually get my brains.  I don’t have much endurance and I lose interest quickly, and sooner or later I’ll give in out of sheer laziness.  But while I’ve still got some fight in me, nothing beats popping off a few rounds from my Soviet sidekick to (if nothing else) inconvenience the wave of zombies from getting their food like a rude hostess at the local Chilis.



Imagine this, a glowing orange sun rises over the evergreen’s on a cool fall morning. You step outside and stretch you arms with a loud boisterous yawn, your breath steaming on the southern air. In the distance you hear sirens and see wisps of flowing smoke dancing into the pale blue sky. You take notice but give it nothing more than a bout of curiosity in your mind and then you notice your neighbor limping around in their front yard seemingly mumbling or growling; you can’t be certain. You cock you head in a gesture of confusion, “what exactly are they up too?” you ask your self- rhetorically of course. Then they see you, and you notice that’s not dirt on their morning gown, its blood. They begin to shuffle your way with a beguiling intensity, it’s not fast but it is certainly an attempt to get to you quick. It dawns on you in a second of horror and realization…your neighbor is a zombie and you forgot to return their gosh danged hedge trimmers.
In any Zombie apocalypse the key to survival is a trusty weapon and a motley crew consisting of at least one older/ wizened character, one female, a tough black guy, and a good looking heroic white guy. While I won’t break down who would be the best motley crew (older/ wizened character = Gandolph, female = Sarah Palin, Tough black guy = Michael Vick, and heroic white guy = ), or I will- whatever. I will tell you this for certain, a 12 gauge shotgun is the must have weapon for survival. “Why nots an AK dawg so u can rape those flesh eater’s like their noobz,” you ask? Well for one I have a college degree, and two I realize a little known fact which I will share with you; the AK-47 (or any assault weapon for that matter) is not going to have ammo just lying around for you to pillage like it’s an RPG with gold hidden in barrels. It’s the real world mother trucker, and you better get serious. Honestly, I mean if you need a gun for a zombie apocalypse, you need to be able to waltz right into any Walmart and load up on the boom booms like you’re Jeff Foxworthy. This is not to mention all the old timer houses you’ll come upon where once you’ve taken out the creepy geezer zombies, will be stocked full of goodies (among them a plethora of shotgun ammo). So get that shotgun, boy head, and send the dead to rest with holes in their chest.

Where them zombers at?


4 Comments to “What Weapon Would You Choose For A Zombie Uprising?”

  1. Why all the love for guns? We are talking about a zombie apocalypse. We are not talking about zombies that have the 24 hour bug. Zombies are going to be around for a long time and you guys are going to have to hunt for ammo every spare moment you have. You got to think-Ammo will be sought by every survivor left on this zombie filled world. Also, the hunt alone will likely end in your death because of a fight with another human over the ammo at stores. Now, I don’t have the answer to what should be the substitute, but I know it isn’t a weapon where you have to depend on resources.

  2. I am going with my Smith & Wesson M&P 15/22. It is .22 LR you can carry 1000 round of it very easy. good for hunting and you can destroy the brains of zombies. that .22 round is very good for head shots. I would also want a Katana. Silent, swift, and deadly.

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